Truly Happy Sometime.

The struggle is between the person I was and the person I have become

The battle rages every morning

I stare at my reflection in the mirror and all I see is a beautiful, enchanting ruin

Every morning when I wake up

In that brief window before my brain kicks into action—I am happy

When my brain does remind me of who I am now—I am left with other feelings.

 

The struggle has been to reconcile the past with the present

To weave the regrets beautifully with the present

Hoping the combination would create a beautiful symphony

Who I am and who I was can never agree

Sadly, who I have become can never agree with who I wanted to be.

 

I don’t know which is sadder

Letting go of the dreams of the man I had wanted to be

Dreams I knew will never come to reality but I still dreamt anyway?

Or

Accepting the man that I have become

Accepting to spend my days without love

Accepting to still dream but never of love.

 

Never of hands intertwining

Of lips touching

Souls merging into one

Never to dream of beautiful sunsets.

 

I must let my dreams go

I must accept to dream with rules as the rest of us do now

To strive, to be alive

To accept that man can live without love

I must accept to find happiness in all the little things and the big things

I must accept to find a new purpose.

 

Not the one I have nurtured in my heart

Not the one I have fed with my wild imaginations

Not the one I have repeated to myself naked in the bathroom

 

No,

This new purpose must be found

And fed like a newborn baby

This new purpose must fill the large room of the old one

It must be absorbed by the walls.

Its scent, its colour, they must all agree with the room.

 

New purposes give us joy; that is what this purpose must do

It must make my mornings happy and expectant

My weeks it must fill with plans

My sleep it must occupy with dreams

If I feed this purpose well, it might replace love.

 

I may be truly happy sometime.

 

Photo Credit: Grzegorz Rakowski on Unsplash